While Suzanne is expressing her experience using I statements, Braden is having a hard time hearing her. “When I asked about making sure the kids were taken care of and you responded by telling me I was acting like your mother, I felt hurt because it felt like our kids are not a priority for you. Self-soothing improves the stability of your relationship by allowing you to maintain yourself and your connection with your partner during a tough conversation.ĭuring their State of the Union Meeting, Suzanne started off as the speaker, protecting his triggers by stating her complaint without trying to control him. David Schnarch puts it, “Emotionally committed relationships respond better when each partner controls, confronts, soothes, and mobilizes himself/herself.” This is because the more partners can regulate their own emotions, the more stable the relationship becomes. If you’re unable to self-soothe, your emotional brain will overpower your rational brain, the part that is designed to self-regulate and communicate, and you’ll “flip your lid” and say or do things you don’t mean.Īs Dr. While it’s important for the speaker to complain without blame and state a positive need to prevent the listener from flooding or responding defensively, it’s also vital for the listener to learn to self-soothe. Any complaint she expresses that includes a wish for him to change some part of his schedule around, he feels controlled. So when his wife, Suzanne, tells him, “You have to make sure the kids have dinner cooked before you go to the gym,” he responds with, “Stop acting like my mother!”Īfter a few more defensive statements, Braden shuts down.īraden’s heart races at the thought of Suzanne bringing up a complaint during their State of the Union meeting. Maybe you feel controlled like Braden does. These moments from our past can escalate interactions in the present. Maybe you’ve been repeatedly hurt or you experienced injustice in your relationships. This could be a result of a number of things. While the phrase “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” may have some truth, it doesn’t acknowledge the fact that trauma and regrettable incidents can leave us with scars. A trigger is an issue that is sensitive to our heart-typically something from our childhood or a previous relationship. This is especially true when our partner is talking about a trigger of ours. Gottman’s ATTUNE model stands for Non-defensive listening.įor most of us, listening without getting defensive is a hard skill to master. Unfortunately, when the listener reacts to what the speaker is saying before the speaker gets the chance to fully explain themselves, both partners are left feeling misunderstood. You’re misunderstanding me,” even before your partner is done talking. When something you said (or didn’t say) hurts your partner’s feelings, there’s a strong impulse to interrupt with, “That wasn’t my intention. Couples are advised to hear each other’s complaints without feeling attacked, and as great as this sounds, it’s often unrealistic. Understanding your partner requires the capacity to listen.
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